New template that took me eons. Terribly basic but hey I tried and I'm tired and it's time to rant.
Friday I had to get up at the butt crack o dawn to drive up to Phoenix to see Mom’s ceremony dealy and go to a therapy thing with my parents. Oh joy.
Apparently according to the therapist I grew up far too fast and have taken on a mother role for my own mother. Which makes me very mature for my age. I hate hearing that.
She asked me so many questions and I answered them. I don’t lie about my feelings because I’m not ashamed of them, that’d be ridiculous. Apparently I over logic them though. She said I’m very intelligent but it’s a hindrance to me because I rationalize my emotions instead of feeling them. I don’t see a problem there…
My dad was kinda shocked though. He said he never knew what I was going through. I was like…of course you wouldn’t. Jackass. I have only heard that man asked me how I was doing twice in my whole life. Even when he does he never listens to what I really say, he only hears what he wants to hear. He’s so fucking egocentric that he thinks he’s the only one going through anything.
She kept telling me that I repress my emotions. I said I just refused to cry because I don’t want to be so typical. I’m also not outspoken about my feelings. To some respect I am, but not the real feelings. If someone asks me truly I’ll be fine with letting them go but no one ever does around me. I get the “how are you’s--but not really how are you, just say fine or some other single word so I can smile and nod and talk about myself” kind of inquiries.
“Feeling” conversations are such a downer too. I’m not like that. I prefer conversations that make me laugh or make me think, not ones that make me cry. What’s the fun in that?
I don’t expect people to read my mind either and ask me how I’m really doing but to a respect I do expect the people who apparently care about me to notice something’s wrong. Just a side note, nobody I’m referring to in this little rant actually reads this diary so it’s not you, trust me.
I know I say this a lot but, goddamn I really need to get away. Now. I don’t want a family anymore, been there done that, never again.
While I was up in Phoenix I did get to see Molly though and that was a fucking blast. We just went shopping and talked as usual. It felt like old times, which was both painful and refreshing.
It’s so depressing to think that she’s going to be married soon. It’s like when Grandpa died and my whole glimmer of hope of ever getting my childhood back died with him. When she gets married I feel like all my dreams about us getting our California/Disneyland time back will be lost forever. We’re never going to be able to recapture that again in any sort of respect. Fuck.
I feel so old. I feel ancient. I was talking the other day about the fact that I don’t plan to live past 40-49. I just don’t think I have it in me. Life has put me through enough these past 20 years that I have enough trouble imagining putting up with another 20 years worth let alone more than that. So I expect a mid-life crisis any day now. *checks watch*
Thinking of it all makes me feel old though. Trying to go through all the people I’ve known, cared about, talked to. All the steps I’ve walked, all the places I’ve been to, the trials, tribulations, joys, boredom…All at once and I feel like I’ve lived more than my share. I just hope I don’t look it.