New template that took me eons. Terribly basic but hey I tried and I'm tired and it's time to rant.
Friday I had to get up at the butt crack o dawn to drive up to Phoenix to see Mom�s ceremony dealy and go to a therapy thing with my parents. Oh joy.
Apparently according to the therapist I grew up far too fast and have taken on a mother role for my own mother. Which makes me very mature for my age. I hate hearing that.
She asked me so many questions and I answered them. I don�t lie about my feelings because I�m not ashamed of them, that�d be ridiculous. Apparently I over logic them though. She said I�m very intelligent but it�s a hindrance to me because I rationalize my emotions instead of feeling them. I don�t see a problem there�
My dad was kinda shocked though. He said he never knew what I was going through. I was like�of course you wouldn�t. Jackass. I have only heard that man asked me how I was doing twice in my whole life. Even when he does he never listens to what I really say, he only hears what he wants to hear. He�s so fucking egocentric that he thinks he�s the only one going through anything.
She kept telling me that I repress my emotions. I said I just refused to cry because I don�t want to be so typical. I�m also not outspoken about my feelings. To some respect I am, but not the real feelings. If someone asks me truly I�ll be fine with letting them go but no one ever does around me. I get the �how are you�s--but not really how are you, just say fine or some other single word so I can smile and nod and talk about myself� kind of inquiries.
�Feeling� conversations are such a downer too. I�m not like that. I prefer conversations that make me laugh or make me think, not ones that make me cry. What�s the fun in that?
I don�t expect people to read my mind either and ask me how I�m really doing but to a respect I do expect the people who apparently care about me to notice something�s wrong. Just a side note, nobody I�m referring to in this little rant actually reads this diary so it�s not you, trust me.
I know I say this a lot but, goddamn I really need to get away. Now. I don�t want a family anymore, been there done that, never again.
While I was up in Phoenix I did get to see Molly though and that was a fucking blast. We just went shopping and talked as usual. It felt like old times, which was both painful and refreshing.
It�s so depressing to think that she�s going to be married soon. It�s like when Grandpa died and my whole glimmer of hope of ever getting my childhood back died with him. When she gets married I feel like all my dreams about us getting our California/Disneyland time back will be lost forever. We�re never going to be able to recapture that again in any sort of respect. Fuck.
I feel so old. I feel ancient. I was talking the other day about the fact that I don�t plan to live past 40-49. I just don�t think I have it in me. Life has put me through enough these past 20 years that I have enough trouble imagining putting up with another 20 years worth let alone more than that. So I expect a mid-life crisis any day now. *checks watch*
Thinking of it all makes me feel old though. Trying to go through all the people I�ve known, cared about, talked to. All the steps I�ve walked, all the places I�ve been to, the trials, tribulations, joys, boredom�All at once and I feel like I�ve lived more than my share. I just hope I don�t look it.