Ah, catching up...
So, Kirsten and I finally got together tonight. We went and saw "The Bourne Identity". It was pretty ok, I wasn't too terribly impressed. Movies like that I always expect something big in the end and I was kinda dissappointed at the lack of surprise. Ah well. I did enjoy watching Matt Damon do all that spiffy fighting...just something about it is so sexy...ooo...
Afterwards we did the usual drive to Coffee Etc. only to find that it dissappeared! Ack! It was the only one left too! Grrr...I loved that place...so many memories...*sniff* I don't know what's going on with them taking all the cool places away like that without even consulting me! I just liked the Etc. part about that place. I don't give a hoot about coffee, but I liked their chicken parts! Their ketchup wasn't the best, but that's not the point! What is the point? No more closing down of cool places!
So, anyways we just went to Coffe Exchange instead. Ch...no Etc there so I didn't get anything. It was nice just to sit there and chat for a couple hours though and catch up on everything. I heard a really interesting story about Emily and Jessica battling it out in court over their apartment situation. I found it very humorous, I mean, come on...heh heh...Also had a lot of the usual boy talk, I must say it's definitely gotten better since she's gotten that boyfriend of hers. I'm so happy for her, now she knows what I've been talking about this whole time...All in all a pretty good night.
Sneakiness is not fun...
So, I have that doctor's appointment tomorrow, or well today technically...yikes it's in a few hours and I haven't even gotten to bed yet...grr...stupid sneaky sneaky date...how dare you? Man, now I'm gonna be all cranky and tired tomorrow...I wonder if I can work in a nap...
Also, we're apparently leaving for Vegas this week, wow that snuck up fast. My dad's buggin me already about if I'm "getting ready". I don't get it, what's to get ready for? It's a few days? What does he think I'll forget how to pack? It's not all that tricky, especially considering how many times I've done it in this past year alone...how many times did I move? Argh, annoyingness...
A scary moment of truth...
I suppose partly from talking to Kirsten but mostly from a lot of thinking over the past few days I've discovered a source of my discomfort about life lately. I realize I've been ignoring or denying the whole surgery thing since it happened and I've been really supressing a lot of it. I would give anything to get a baseball bat and just let loose...but I ignore it. The sensible side tells me to talk about it, but the Alli side says shut up and get over it. I doubt I'll ever talk about it...it's just not the way I do things I guess.
This also has a lot to do with how I've been feeling about relationships lately. I realize since the surgery I've lost a lot of that confidence I gained last summer. I don't feel as comfortable in my own skin anymore. I don't want to put the energy into something like that when I'm feeling like this, but I'm not sure how to deal with it...A lot of this was very subconcious and talking to Kirsten was what made me actually see it. Maybe it's the whole kairos-ey vibe she still has left over from high school. Either way it's a nice insight into things.
Even though I see these problems and I realize all that's behind them I have no idea where to turn or what to do about them. I've always just not thought about it, ignored it and hoped it would all go away and maybe that explains this warped detatchment from reality I got going on. I like thinking things through, but when it comes to certain issues about me where I feel like there's no answer, I'd rather steer clear.
In the past when I would think about this, I felt terribly alone, but I find that's not the case anymore. I have such good friends all around me, even though they're far away that despite this bullshit I can't feel alone. I like that, it's comforting in some way and I thank my friends for giving me that, you will never know what it means to me.
I'm sure only a couple of people reading this have any inkling to what I'm referring to, and I'm sure even they are confused. I don't like talking about certain things, but I like to let parts out...it helps my thought process. Also, who knows, it may make some sort of sense to someone out there. Sorry if I'm not though, you can always smile and nod...;) As for me I think I've spoken too much truth right now, so I'll put the mask back on and head off to bed.