What's the worst that could happen...
Apparently nothing that has happened to me in these past few months is enough. Oh no, let's take literally everything away. Fine. I think I've just shut off anyway, I'm even more removed from reality than before. My dad calls it survival mode, but I thought that was what I was in before...
I talked to a friend today and I just said that life was shitty and this person told me that life was a wave. That there were highs and lows and that I was just in a low right now that would soon be followed with a high. *gag* Have you ever heard such bullshit? Firstly, this person is hardly a couple months older than I am. Secondly I had not even told this person one thing that was a reason to why my life was so shitty. Yes, I do call this person a friend and they are a good person but excuse me what the hell do they know?
I've had lows in my life, plenty of them. Lows consist of a few things in your life going extremely wrong. When the wrongs outweigh the good in my opinion. In my current case I have absolutely no good to weigh against. Every single element in my life is on the side of the bad. I honestly never believed it was possible. I better be saving up for a helluva lot of good in my future or I'm gonna be seriously pissed off at someone.
In my mind this person probably thinks that my low is consisting of social trouble or some other bullshit like that. Oh boo hoo I don't have someone to love, woe is me. That is not a low, that is a high in my opinion. My lows in life are more than petty shit. I'd say all the surgeries I've had have been pretty big lows. I'd still go back to those times in a heartbeat rather than be stuck in now. My other lows, other than surgery related ones, I always thought were pretty bad as well but now I can see how insignificant they are. I struggle to remember my past, I feel so far removed from it now I've shut down so much. It's really weird.
Is curse the right word?
A few years ago I started to entertain a suspicion that everyone I dared to love was cursed. No matter what, they would hurt me, either intentionally or unintentionally. I now believe this to be completely true because it has been proven in every instance of my life thus far. That's 20 years of proof people.
Every friend I have ever had has hurt me. I've been stabbed in the back many many times, forgotten, or in the most recent case abandoned for a boy. If a friend of mine actually sticks around trying to defy this curse then something bad always happens to them, which in turn is hurtful because I feel responsible somehow. Most recent example being my best friend just being diagnosed with a terrible disease that could very possibly kill her. I could go on, but there's plenty more...
I'm not a big fan of my family, but the few I've chosen to truly love have also been subject to this curse. The first to go was the one I loved the most and always will. My grandmother got struck down with Alzhiemer's when I was still in junior high. My grandfather was killed, my cousin has just recently gone missing and is presumed dead and now it's taken my mother too in a whole new way. I mean come on! If fate's gonna screw me over it could at least be a little bit more subtle about it.
These are just the highlights, there's more, but I think it's enough to convince me to never love again. I know the risks, I've seen all those corny movies with all those lessons and I don't give a fuck anymore. I'm not willing to subject anyone else to this curse. I'm not willing to subject me to this curse anymore either.
This isn't me...
The worst thing about all this shit that's going down is how it's creating a new me. I don't want a new me, I liked me just fine. All I can rant about now a days is how shitty things are and that's just no fun. I prefer to rant about inane things that piss me off or fun little things that make me giggle. I prefer to be silly and be fun and entertaining.
It's amazing how you can feel so seperate from your former self. The happy me seems like it was so long ago and that it wasn't even me. It's also amazing how much I envy and hate that person. It's just not fair. She didn't even enjoy it like she should have. She should've done more, reveled in it more, savored...but nooooo...
This new me may not love anymore but that doesn't mean I've completely shut off. I'm not that stupid. I will still care about people and be there for them but I'm just not able to give my complete trust to them anymore. I just can't do that anymore. As with anything of course I am subject to change. This is just how I feel right now and I feel it is completely justified in every damn way.
So, in conclusion never lecture me about life. For the wrath rant that will insue could be hazardous to an innocent object's health such as my poor keyboard.
***PS*** I would also just like to thank the DKers that have been supportive and have just been there. I know I may not really "know" you guys but you don't know how much it has meant to me and all I can really say is thank you. You guys are truly the very best. =)