When I think back on my diary entries I must seem completely crazed. I try and be all upbeat in half of them but like every other one some of my pain pokes through and they're all depressing. Well, here comes another one. Bah, too bad.
This has been a very bad week. I'm really sick. I either have a very bad case of strep throat or something worse or something combined. The doctor I went to didn't give enough of a rats ass to test for anything of course and I was too weak to push it or go back. I've always hated doctors...
Then there's mom who's even worse of a subject and I just don't feel comfortable talking about so...Let's just say I really don't think life has anything new to throw at me at this point. It's hurled all it's worst at me as of today.
I've been thinking about how I feel a lot lately--which, according to some people I do too much, but according to the people that matter is just fine.
It's like life has just shoved all these swords through me this past year and I've just stopped dead in my tracks. I don't want to move because I'm afraid the swords will rip me apart. So I stand still and try not to think about it. I start to numb to the pain but I tend to forget that I'm slowly bleeding to death.
The other day I got a glimpse of how I should really be reacting to this all. I've come to the conclusion I keep going on as I am out of habit. I don't really know what this is doing to me. I don't know the toll it's taking on me and I don't know how I could ever find out.
I've always been really detached from reality too. I think that's a part of it. Somewhere along the line I stopped believing it was real. Yay for me.
I'm just waiting for my life ending disease now. I'd honestly welcome it at this point. I don't have the energy for any more.
Seriously, how convinient would that be? I'd just drop out of school fufill all my dying wishes then just chill till it was time.
Bah, I'll just smile and nod and go on.
Damn the man.