Lately I've had this feeling like happiness is desperately trying to sneak back into my life. I've always sought happiness but this is the first time it's sought me. That was interesting.
I've had this feeling in the back of my mind like I'm excited about something...but there's nothing to be excited about. I have this sense like something's about to happen...something good.
I took a nice relaxing bath tonight and I got this peaceful feeling. It was like all at once I could remember every happy feeling I had ever felt in my whole life. In a blink of an eye I went through all the happy memories of my past. It felt good. So often lately I've been doing the same with the opposite kinds of feelings.
Something came to me when this happened though that truly scared me. All of those happy memories were with people. Even if I had a peaceful happy moment by myself the times around it and the happiness stemmed from the people in my life. I came to the realization that I need real people in my life. Damnit.
I've been utterly and completely ostracizing myself from everybody else for so long now I don't know how to go back. Even when I go out with friends I'm not really allowing myself to come out and enjoy it. I hold back because I've been trying to bundle myself up in myself to try and stop the curse of people I care about hurting me.
I realize I have to get back in there, that there's more of those happy times ahead of me. My life's not done, there is so much more to do.
The hardest thing for me to get was that there's so much more growing for me to do. I've felt like I've been done for so long but I've just been ignoring my growth. I'm still evolving and changing and I'm still going to change and grow.
I'm not done yet. This makes me happy.