It's scary when you realize what you're witnessing will fuck you up for life. When the word "sad" doesn't do your feelings justice. When your feelings go so much deeper than tears. When you can actually hear scars being made upon your insides.
My life is so bad at this moment I don't know how I stand it. I keep sitting on my bed and closing my eyes and pretending my grandma is here. That she takes my head in her hands and kisses my forehead like she used to. That she holds me and tells me what I've been yearning to hear for months. Everything's going to be alright. Things will get better.
It hurts to think of my grandma, but it's a pain I've grown so accustomed to that it's easier than the pain life's giving me now. I miss her so much sometimes I feel like I can't breathe.
I think I've lost my mom forever. Things will never be the way they were. She can never be my mom again.
I tried to pretend. I tried to force things back to the way they were but I feel love just slipping away. I feel like maybe she never loved me. She's been lying about everything else, why not that? She's chosen this disease over me.
A part of me hates her so vehemently it truly frightens me.
Sometimes I wonder if my having experienced such happy times in my life is a curse or a blessing. I wonder what I would be like without the memory of those times. In Mesopotamia life sucked constantly but the people thought that was how it was supposed to be. Maybe I wouldn't think life was so bad right now if life had always been bad. So many bad things have happened to me, but I'm able to compare them to how life can be and that's tough.
Other times I think it is those memories that keep me going. That give me something to urge my feet forward every day. That desire to get back to those memories. I feel like as long as I always have a memory that has the power to make me smile, I'll be alright.