I�ve been asking myself a lot lately why I keep clinging to the nostalgia. Why I crave those moments when I can feel transported back to a younger version of myself. I was really struggling for an answer to that until last night. I lay in bed listening to this song that I hadn�t listened to since my senior year in high school. When I heard the tune and lyrics I could remember mindsets I had been in when I listened to those same things years ago. I got that transport I craved and it hit me.
I�ve been so uncomfortable with the person that I am lately. I feel like a stranger to myself sometimes and I ask myself how the hell I got here. When I look back at periods of my life it never ceases to amaze me how different I am at all points. Alli at 12 was so incredibly different from Alli at 17.
I can�t believe I was those persons. They seem like old friends to me. What I had to remind myself of though was that they were a part of me, they were in me. For some reason I had this notion that they were separate entities, that they were different numbers that added up to me. They�re not separate though, we�re all the same. I�m comforted by them. Ah...tis all good.
Moving on, yes things keep happening in the present but there all boring and school related so let's just ignore them and continue rehashing the romantic past of Alli.
Where was I? Oh yes, senior year. Well, before we delve too deeply lemme give you a brief history of romance before this year no matter how sad, limited and pathetic it may seem.
First there was Daniel, the longest relationship I've ever had and by far the very best. We dated all the way through preschool and kindergarten. Good times man. There were no stupid games, just the good kind like tag and such. There was no pressure or discussion of where is this going or any crap like that. Gave me my first kiss behind the trees near the end of kindergarten. Ah...fuzzy memories...
After that the only boys to speak of are Michael the one with the brightest blue eyes who always held my hand at Skate Country and Chris who was my boyfriend before entering the 6th grade for about 10 hours. I think that's my shortest relationship. Then there was Dusty, the hot away camp counselor that took us mountain biking who gave me my first slow dance to some crappy Garth Brooks song. Then there was the first really romantic moment in my not-so-young-anymore life. It was the winter formal of my junior year and this guy who had had a crush on me since freshmen year had asked me to dance. It was Lady in Red and at the very end right when whoever is singing it whispers "I love you." He leans in and says: "What a perfect song for you, only difference is you're wearing black." Gave me my first serious blush right there. Ah...slightly less fuzzy memories...
Now we get back to my senior year and probably my most serious relationship to date. It caught me before I really realized just how deep seated my fear of commitment went...
I had just had my jaw surgery and my braces had finally come off so I was feeling worlds better about myself. I was working at a movie theater and making friends and feeling very confident.
I don't remember the first time I saw him...I'm sure it's somewhere in the pages and pages of stuff I have from our emails and ims but I do remember becoming fast friends with him. We'd just chat at work and then eventually exchanged im names. Here are some exerpts from our first conversation, when we were just friends. ((note: I have changed his im to protect the not-so-innocent...mainly just because I'm paranoid of tony danza, also for those of you who don't know Rain010 is yours truly--oh and a warning, this is pretty boring, sorry, who knows it may get interesting when we get to the romantic shite))
Nameless: did you just get home from school?
Rain010: ugh! yeah, damn school
Nameless: ha ha i've been home since 1:30
Rain010: I don't even wanna hear it!
Rain010: I wanna vacation already
Nameless: so i've been home for 3 hours
Rain010: I'm glaring at you
Nameless: oh no
Rain010: still glaring
Rain010: I don't wanna do my homework
Rain010: maybe I don't have any
Nameless: then don't do it
Rain010: hmmm... I think I'll stick with that assumption
Nameless: what time do you start school in the morning?
Rain010: ugh, 7:40
Rain010: it's a long day
Rain010: a VERY long day
Nameless: wow i bet it is
Nameless: what time do you get out?
Rain010: 3
Rain010: and they make us watch channel one at the end
Rain010: it's "mandatory"
Rain010: how cruel is that
Nameless: what is channel one?
Rain010: you don't have channel one? You are soooo lucky. It's this boring high school news program and it's just... BORING!
Nameless: oh how boringhow long is it?
Rain010: 15 excruciating minutes
Nameless: wow that sucks
Rain010: and the worst part is- they�re corny!
Nameless: ha ha
Rain010: it's not amusing!
Nameless: i bet not
Rain010: how dare they try to make us learn more after 7 periods!
Nameless: wow you got alot of classes
Rain010: yeah! entirely too much work
Nameless: do you wanna know how many i got?
Rain010: something tells me I'm gonna regret this
Nameless: probly
Rain010: well?
Nameless: 4
Nameless: but i have the block schedual so i only got 2 classes a day
Rain010: -glare-
Nameless: you wanted to know
Rain010: ugh! I know, I know
Rain010: I still can't believe I'm a senior
Rain010: what happened to high shcool?
Nameless: it left
Rain010: I wish we had block scheduling
Rain010: or no school at all- that'd be cool too
Nameless: you only got 1 more year
Rain010: yeah, but then it's college
Rain010: and that better be fun, or I'm gonna be very bitter
((then there was some talk about college))
Rain010: well, what do you like? what would you consider majoring in?
Nameless: i like building stuff
Nameless: and i like cars
Rain010: you like working on cars?
Nameless: yup
Rain010: I can't really picture you working on cars
Nameless: why?
Rain010: I dunno, after seeing the way you scoop popcorn...
Rain010: JK! =)
Nameless: that was mean
Rain010: I'm sorry! I was only kidding!!!
Rain010: you handle popcorn very well
Rain010: really you do
Nameless: im never working consession again!!!!
Nameless: you have ruined my life forever
Rain010: you're so silly
Nameless: im serious
Rain010: honestly, I don't even remember how you scoop popcorn, but I'm sure you do it very well (just not as good as me)
Nameless: im going to go kill my self now
Nameless: good bye
Nameless: i take popcorn very seriously
Rain010: gee, ya think?
Nameless: sometimes
Rain010: and it's such a serious subject too, I mean popcorn!
Rain010: that always comes in handy
Nameless: you mocking me now huh?
Rain010: no! I would never dream of it!
Nameless: oh ok good